:^ 



Putting It Up To 
Patty 



-BY- 



SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 



«; 




PRICE 35 CENTS 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

Franklin, Ohio ess DeHver, Colo. 

944 So. Logait Street 



=^ 



New Juvenile Entertainments 

A-B-C-Capers 

By Soemple. Here is an attractive and novel number 
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Plays about 20 minutes. Price, 25c. 

Emily's Dream 

By Mary Frix Kidd. This is the story of a Geogra- 
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The Love Flower 

By Bell Elliott Palmer. A very pretty exercise for 6 
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Time, 10 minates. Price, 15c. 

The Silver Sandals 

By Banche Thompson. Ths is a charming new play 
for 6 boys, 5 girls, fairies, peasants, attendants, etc. 
The Princess is downhearted and refuses to be con- 
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she contented. Plays 1 hour or more- Price, 25c. 

When Betty Saw the Pilgrims 

By Margaret Howard. A pretty story showing how 
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the story of the hardships of the Pilgrims, which is 
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Princess Rosy Cheeks 

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Queen Loving Heart ^ 

By Jean Ross. A splendid children's play, teaching 
many good lessons. A pretty story of the crowning of 
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Plays about 45 minutes. Price, 25c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



Putting It Up To Patty 



A Comedy Drama 

By 
SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 

Author of 

'Getting Even With Reggie/' "Somewhere in France," 

''Sergeant Jim of the U. S. Marines," etc. 



PRICE 35 CENTS 
Copyright 1922, Eldridge Entertainment House 



, -T 



Published By 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO. 









THE PLAYERS 



William Webster, owner of Meadowbrook Farm 

Seth Wilson, the nearest neighbor 

John Matthews, a real fellow 

Dan Dickson, proprietor of the village drug store 

Hiram Huckins, Hulda's husband 

Patricia Webster, a farmer's daughter with a college 
education 

"Aunt Mary" Webster, William's sister 

Mary Jane Stokes, a village belle 

HuLDA HucKiNS, who looks after Hiram 



DEC 30 1322.-.. : 



aO 63237 



*vt» I 



Putting It Up To Patty 



ACT I. 

(The sitting room at Meadowhrook Farm. As this 
interior setting is used for the entire play it should be 
made as attractive as possible. Center door with doors 
right and left. Garden backing, to be seen through the 
center door. The room is furnished comfortably, but not 
elaborately. The action takes place in the honne of a suc- 
cessful farmer and the atmosphere should be that of an 
■American farm house. Piano or phonograph upstage, 
center table with books and magazines. A feio good pic- 
tures on the walls. Rockiyig chairs OMd a coach. The 
play opens on an afternoon early in June. Characters 
wea/r summer costumes throughout the play.) 

{At rise of curtain, William Webster and Seth Wil- 
son are discovered playing checkers, the board resting on 
a little stand placed ivell to the left of the stage and near 
footlights. Aunt Mary is knitting in rocking chair at 
right of table. For a few seconds there is complete sil- 
ence, the men studying the checker board intently.) 

William — {jufnps two m.en, then leans back in his 
chair) I guess that puts a crimp in you, Seth. 

Setpi — {scratching his head) It sure does, William. 
Don't see how I come to overlook that. {Studies a bit, 
then makes move.) 

William — {jumps another man) Better give up the 
idea of gettin' a king and look after your defenses. 

Seth — I thought you'd jump the other way. 
William — Not much. It's a good thing, Seth, in a 
checker game, to know which way to jump. 



Putting It Up To Patty 



Seth — A good thing to know in the game of life, 
too, William. Some folks make an awful mistake in 
jumpin* the wrong way — ^'specially when they jump into 
matrimony. (Seth moves again.) 

William — {studies a moment, then moves) Ain't 
thinkin' about gettin* married, are you? 

Seth — (jum.'ps clear across the board, taking three 
men,) Oh, ho! Thought I'd get your mind off the game. 
Gimme a king! 

William — You talk too much when you play 
checkers. 

Seth — Ain't no rule against talkin' as I ever heard 
of. (Pause.) Your move. 

William — (a little testily) I know it's my move. 
Ain't no rule to make a fellow move till he gets ready, is 
there? 

Aunt Mary — (looks over her glasses and smiles) 
Boys, boys! 

WiLLiAM^ — When I play checkers I keep my mind on 
the game. I like the feller I'm playin' with to do the 
same. 

Seth — Never mind about me, William. Go ahead 
and move. 

William— I'll move when I get good and ready. 

Aunt M. — Now, William. Seth must be getting the 
best of you. 

William — I can take care of myself, I reckon. 
(Moves.) 

Seth — (leans back and surveys board deliberately) 
Got your fingers off that man? Sure you meant that 
move? 

William — I ain't askin' no favors, Seth. That's my 
move. 

Seth — Then you're beat, William. Jest watch me. 
(Jumps three men and again lands in the king row.) 
Now what do ye know about that? Another king! 



Putting It Up To Patty 



William — (laughs) Serves me right for gettin' 
mad. 

Seth — It's a big thing in a checker game to keep 
your temper. 

William — Same in the game of life, Seth. 

Aunt Mary — About as important as knowing which 
way to jump, eh, William? 

William — (sweeps men off hoard) Pretty good les- 
son to learn. Keep cool and watch which way you jump. 
That's two games you won, Seth. (Ptcshes back chair.) 

SetH: — Ain't goin* to quit, are you? 

William — I know when I've got enough. But I'll 
play you again tomorrow. Got something I want to talk 
to you about. 

Seth^ — Course I'll help you with your threshin', Wil- 
liam. I always do, don't I? 

William — ^Tain't the threshin' that's worryin' me. 
It's Patty. 

Aunt M. — (looks up quickly) Now, William, I 
wouldn't discuss Patty with anybody — not even Seth. 
William — Seth's my oldest and best friend.' 

Aunt M. — But he's never had any experience with 
girls. 

Seth — Oh, ain't I? They nigh ruined me when I 
was a young man. Why, I loved 'em all f er a while, and 
then when I wanted to marry and settle down the gals 
I wanted I couldn't get and those I could get the devil 
wouldn't have. 

Aunt M. — That's just it. You let your opportunity 
slip and became a confirmed old bachelor. A bachelor 
can't understand a girl like Patty. 

Seth — ^Maybe so, and maybe not. Advice is cheap, 
you know, and most anybody can give it. What's the 
matter with Patty, William? 

William — Too much education, I say. 

Aunt M. — Nonsense! You can't have too much ed- 
ucation. Can you, Seth? 



Putting It Up To Patty 



Seth — (stacks up the checkers) Some kinds, yes. 
This morbid stuff a girl picks up in the city is all wrong. 

William — That's what I say. 

Aunt M. — Her college training has changed Patty's 
view of life. She is different from us. We don't under- 
stand her, that's all. 

Seth — (has stacked up a dozen checkers) Some- 
thing like this. Here's Patty's innocent childhood spent 
on the farm, — way down here on the bottom of this pile. 
Later she goes to town to high school and we pile on 
more education — that makes her life wobble a bit. (Adds 
a feiD checkers to the stack.) Then she goes away to the 
city to college. Here , she learns to dance, (puts on a 
checker) to play bridge (adds another), goes to the the- 
atre and joy-rides with the idle rich (adds another). She 
learns a new cult instead of the old-fashioned religion 
she was taught here at home. (Adds another.) Her 
foundations are undermined. She is told that farming is 
drudgery; that a man who works with his hands is a 
cad, that honest toil is a disgrace, that to be a wife, a 
housekeeper and a mother is slavery. She goes to the 
races ' and reads rotton books-. The weakened founda- 
tion of her faith crumbles (adds a few more checkers and 
the entire pile totters and falls), and down comes the 
whole shebang. (Pause.) No, Aunt Mary, I may not 
know much about girls, but I know something about what 
the modern city life is doing to them. 

William — (rises) And that's just v/hat has hap- 
pened to my little girl, my poor little motherless Patty. 
I thought I was being good and kind to her. I thought 
I was giving her advantages, when all the time I was 
piling up foolishness to fall like Seth's pile of checkers. 

Aunt M. — Now, don't get excited, William. Patty 
hasn't hurt herself or anybody else, yet. She'll come out 
all right. Patty comes of a good family. Blood will tell. 

William — But, does it? What do the newspapers 
say about the sons of the influential and rich old fam- 
ilies? Only this morning I read — 



Putting It Up To Patty 



'. {Patty is heard singing a feiv bars of one of the 
latest popular songs.) 

Aunt M. — Hush! She is coming. Don't let her 
know we were discussing her. The worst thing that can 
happen to children is to discuss them before themselves. 

(Enter Patty, C. D., wearing tennis costume and 
carrying racquet.) 

Patty — {tossing her hat on couch) Hello! Another 
terrible checker contest! Dad, I'm afraid you and Mr. 
Wilson will wear yourselves out with such dissipation. 
Don't you ever get tired of that silly old game? Why, I 
played that when I was a kid. 

Seth— Why the Mr. Wilson, Patty? 

Patty — No particular reason, only Uncle Seth 
sounds so cheap and familiar, and you know you really 
are not my Uncle Seth. 

Seth — Not really, Patty. But I've been Uncle Seth 
ever since you were old enough to lisp my name and put 
out your chubby fingers to be kissed. Maybe you'd, rath- 
er I didn't call you Patty. Perhaps Miss V/ebster would 
suit you better. 

Patty — Oh, hardly that. You're spoofing me. But 
why not Patricia? 

Aunt M. — What's spoofing? 

William — Some darned nonsense she picked up at 
that exclusive boarding school. 

Patty — Spoofing is an English term for making 
fun of or ridiculing. It's quite the proper word to use 
among smart folk, Aunt Mary. 

Seth — {laughs) Oh, my little Patty. How you 
have grown up. 

Patty — I thought it was to be Patricia. 

Seth — No, no. I'll call you Miss Webster. 

William — Now, look here, Patty. There is no sense 
in a girl acting the fool. 

Patty — Father, you forget yourself. You can't 
talk— 



Putting It Up To Patty 



William — (starts toward her) What does this 
mean? Who are you talking to? 

Patty — You mean to whom are you talking. Really, 
father, you must be more careful of your English. It 
humiliates me to have you so careless of your speech. 
(Picks up hat and starts off.) 

WiLLiAM^Patty ! 

Patty — (turns in door) Yes, father, (languidly.) 

William — I — I want to have a long talk with you. 

Patty — Sorry, but I'm going to town to meet Mary 
Jane. The battery on my car needs attention, too. So, 
if I'm late, Aunt Mary, don't wait supper on me. (She 
throws kiss at William.) Bye-bye, Daddy. Don't get all 
nervous over your thrilling checker game with Mr. Wil- 
son. (Laughs as she goes out.) 

William — (goes to door and looks after her, then 
shakes head sadly, and comes down stage to behind Aunt 
Mary.) My little Patty! It's no joke. 

Seth — It's worse than I thought it was. 

Aunt M. — I tell you she will get over.it. 

William — (drops into chair) She's got to get over 
it. It's a crime to let a girl spoil her life like that. 

Aunt M. — You don't understand her, William. She 
is only ambitious. She has seen what life means be- 
yond the limits of the farm. You have sent her out into 
the world. You have shown her how people live in the 
circles of wealth and culture. You cannot blame her for 
wanting the ease and luxury of the rich men's daugh- 
ters, with whom she has associated. Every girl wants to 
feather her nest. 

William — Feather her nest? For Heaven's sake, 
Mary, where did you get that idea? Isn't this old home 
nest good enough for our Patty? (Drops into chair.) 

Aunt M. — ^It certainly is, William. But she doesn't 
realize it — yet. 

Seth— That's it. Mary's right. Little Patty has 
been blinded by the bright lights. It's up to us to re- 
store her sight. 



Putting It Up To Patty 



William — Fll make her see. She's my child. She 
used to obey me and she'll obey me now. 

Seth — The long and short of it is, she's far too good 
looking, William. 

William- — Truth is truth, though she's my daugh- 
ter. You're right, Seth, she's too good looking. Some- 
times when I've take^i her up to market, I've seen the 
folks turn their backs on the cattle and stare at her in- 
stead. 

Seth — What are the consequences? She looks in 
the glass and sees herself, and then she gets miserable 
and uppish because there ain't anybody in these parts 
good enough for her to marry. 

Aunt M. — It's a strange thing to me, where she 
gets her good looks. She isn't a bit like her poor, dead 
mother. 

Seth — No, she don't get her looks from her. 

Aunt M. — It's one of those things you can't ac- 
count for. It's just like seeing a beautiful flower bloom- 
ing on an old cabbage-stump. 

William — People have said that she takes after me 
a trifle. 

Seth — You weren't fool enough to believe that, I 
hope. Why, she's no more like you than you're like a 
sweet-scented rose — not so much. 

William — You haven't a nice way of putting things 
Seth. 

Seth — I'm no flatterer — never was. And you can't 
please everybody. If I said Patricia took after you, I 
don't s'pose she'd ever speak to me again. 

William — The worst of it is she won't settle down. 
There's young Jim Miller after her now, and she won't 
look at him. He's a decent young fellow, is Jim, and 
she's gone and named one of the pigs after him, and the 
way she mixes them up together is disgraceful. 

Seth — If she was my girl she should marry young 
Jim. What's wrong with him? 



10 Putting It Up To Patty 



Aunt M. — She looks higher. She's always reading 
romantic books full of love tales, and she's never tired of 
talking of a girl her mother knew that went on the stage 
and married a baronet. She calls this sitting room the 
drawing room. 

William — Yes, and she'll sit here in her drawing 
room till she's past the marrying age, and then she'll 
turn 'round and blame me. She wants to be taught a 
lesson. She needs to be shown her position in life, not 
go about turning up her nose at clean young men and 
naming pigs after them. I'll take her in hand. I'll make 
her obey me. 

Seth — Wait, William. The spanking and the closet 
won't answer now. She isn't our little Patty any more. 
It's Patricia you have to deal with now. 

William — Yes, but how? 

Seth — Let me think it out. There's a way to save 
our little girl, (Rises.) I'm going down to the brook 
a spell to wrestle with this problem. I always find the 
way down there under the big elm. This is one of those 
times, William, when you've got to be sure which way 
to jump. (Exit C. D.) 

Aunt M. — You can safely leave it to Seth. He loves 
Patty as much as we do. 

(Seth appears at door.) 

Seth — You're goin' to have company, William. As 
queer a looking couple as I ever saw outside a circus 
sideshow. Saw 'em turn in at the gate a moment ago. 
Come and look. 

William — {getting up and going to C- D.) Tramps 
or gypsies I reckon. {Looks off stage.) What do you 
think of that, now? Hey, Mary, come here. 

(Aunt M. rises and goes to door.) 

William — {laughs heartily) Freaks! By gehos- 
ophat! They're freaks. Some street fair must have 
stranded in the village. 

Aunt M. — For the land's sake. What do you sup- 
pose they can want here ? 



Putting It Up To Patty 11 

Seth — Looks to me like a square meal and a pair of 
old shoes wouldn't come amiss. 

Aunt M. — (goes back to chair and knits) Let 'em 
come in, William. You know what the Good Book says: 
"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby 
some have entertained angels unawares." 

William — (comes back down stage) If they are 
angels, Mary, they are fallen angels and they've dropped 
a long ways. 

Seth — (steps inside) 1 think I'll stick around a 
bit and see what they want. 

(Hiram and Hulda Huckins appear in doorivay. Hi- 
ram should be short and stout, Hulda tall and thin. Hi- 
ram carries a bird cage and a golf bag and clubs. He 
should tvear an old golf suit or a worn uniform. Hulda 
carries a large suit case and a big hat box. She i^ 
dressed in a gaudy, large-figured gown and her hat 
droops to one side. They stand in doorway for a mom- 
ent before speaking.) 

Hulda — How d'ye do. (Bows.) Be you wantin* 
any help? 

Aunt M. — Won't you come in? 

Hulda — Thank ye. Hiram, leave the bird outside. 

Hiram — 'Fraid the cat might git it. 

Hulda — Them's golf clubs. Good ones, too. 

Seth — Let me take care of it. (Takes bird cage and 
places it on the table as Hulda and Hiram come doion 
and stand aivkwardly in center of stage.) 

William — What do you want? 

Hulda — Work. 

Hiram — She does. (Points to Hulda.) ^ 

HuLDA: — He can work, too. Hiram is a good worker. 

William — Yes he looks it. What's those tools he's 
got? 

William — Can he use 'em? 

Hiram — No. 



12 Putting It Up To Patty 

HuLDA — He can learn. Everybody has to learn to 
play golf. 

Seth — Let him try 'em out in the melon patch, Wil- 
liam. 

William — We don't have any use for golf clubs at 
Meadowbrook Farm. Hoes come in handier here. 

HuLDA — Hiram can hoe. He is a fine gardener. 

Hiram — Hurts my back to hoe. 

Aunt M. — Put down that heavy bag, my good wom- 
an. You must be tired. 

HuLDA — (puts down suit case and hat box) Thank 
ye, ma'am. I ain't so tired myself, but I'm sorry for Hi- 
ram. It's hard for him to w^alk very far. 

HiRAM^ — I ain't tired anywhere but my feet. 

Aunt M. — You said you wanted work? 

Hiram — She did. (Points to Hulda.) 

(Seth nods his head sadly and slips out C. D.} 

William — Ever work on a farm? 

Hulda — I've worked everywhere. 

William — (to Hiram) And you? 

Hiram — Well, I go where Hulda goes. 

Aunt M. — What's your name? 

Hulda — Hulda Huckins and — 

Hiram — I'm just Hiram. 

William — Yes, you look it. Where did you work 
last? 

Hulda — At the Brookside Country Club. 

Aunt M. — What did you do? 

Hulda — Everything. 

William — (to Hiram) And you? 

Hiram — Nuthin'. 

William — (turning away) We can't use you. 

Hulda — (pathetically) Please, sir, I can work. I 
am not afraid to work. I can cook, wash, keep house. 
Hiram can work, too, when he isn't sick. 



Putting It Up To Patty 13 



William — That's the trouble. He's lazy. I can see 
it sticking out all over him. 

HuLDA — That's not laziness. It's golf clubs you see 
stickin' out. A feller at the Country Club gave 'em to 
him. He got mad 'cause he missed the little ball and 
threw his clubs away. Hiram picked 'em up and he's 
kept 'em ever since. 

William — Well, we can't use him on this farm. Bet- 
ter move along. 

Aunt M. — Wait a minute, William. You know what 
the Good Book says. 

William — Yes, and you heard what I said about 
'em fallin' a long ways. 

Hulda — Please, sir, let us work for a couple of days. 
We're tired and hungry. 

Hiram — I'll learn ye to play golf. 

William — Don't want to learn. If some of these 
city fellers who work so hard for exercise on the golf 
course would come out into the country and help at har- 
vest time, they'd get some real exercise. 

Hiram — But no fun. 

William — Fun! Do you think life is all fun? 

Hiram — No. But most city fellers do. 

Aunt M. — We'll give you your supper and a night's 
rest, anyway. 

Hiram — That's something. 

William — I don't like the way you talk. 

Hulda — Please, sir, Hiram is all right. He don't 
mean nothin' wrong. It's just his way. I kin work 
enough for the two of us and Hiram can help. He's real 
useful on a farm. He can feed the chickens, churn the 
butter and when he's feelin' pert he can carry some 
wood. He don't mean nuthin' wrong. 

William — (crosses and stands in front of Hulda) 
It's the same old story, Hulda, I can see at once. You 
are another good woman married to a no-account hus- 
band. I suppose you're married. 



14 Putting It Up To Patty 



Aunt M. — Good gracious, William. Of course 
they're married. 

HULDA: — You don't suppose I'd be totin' him around 
if he wasn't my husband ? 

William — He's excess baggage any way you look at 
it. 

Hiram — Well, she took me for better or for worse. 

William — She got stung. Listen to me, you shrimp. 
We take a man on here and ask no questions. We know 
when he sticks a plow into the ground whether he under- 
stands his business or not. He may be a convict tryin' 
to get a new start, or a banker savin' his last lung, or a 
hunted criminal dodgin' the police — ^we don't care. A 
good many fine farm hands have made their mistakes in 
the city. All we care about is, will they stand the gaff? 
Will they give an honest day's work for an honest day's 
pay? 

HuLDA — Yes, sir, I will. 

William — ^I know you will. The woman almost al- 
ways does. 

Hiram — I'll help Hulda all I kin. 

Aunt M. — That's a good little man. 

William — Oh, shucks! I ain't got any confidence 
in him. 

Aunt M. — Let me. try them for a few days, William. 
We do need extra help with all the fruit to can. (Rises.) 
Come with me, Hulda. (Exit R.) 

Hulda — (Picks wp box and suit case) I'll show you, 
sir, that we can earn our board. I'll work hard. Come 
on, Hiram. (Exit RO 

(Hiram stands looking after her for a moment, and 
then crosses to right. At exit he turns, looks at bird 
cage and goes back to table. Picks up cage. Exit.) 

-WiLLiAM: — He ain't worth a tinker's dam and I 
know it. 

(Enter Seth.) 

Seth — I've got it, William. I've got it. 



Putting It Up To Patty 15 



William — Got what? 

Seth — A way out of your difficulty. 

William — What are you talking about? 

Seth — {crosses to table on which is checker hoard) 
Come over here and sit down. 

(William crosses to table and both sit.) 

Seth — My plan is to put it up to Patty. 

William — I don't get you. 

Seth — Well, to speak plainly, old friend. Our Patty 
is just spoiled. 

"William — (playing ivith checkers) I'm glad you 
said "Our Patty," Seth. That makes you jointly respons- 
ible. 

Seth — I'll take mxy share of the blame. We've been 
a couple of old fools about the girl. Most men of our 
age are, where a pretty young lady is concerned. 

William — Oh, I don't know. I've given her every 
opportunity I could. I've tried to be good to her. 

Seth — That's just it. You've been too good to her. 
You've spoiled her. But the case is not hopeless. She'll 
come around. 

William — That's what Mary says. 

Seth— Yes. But not Mary's v/ay. Mary's like us; 
she helps to spoil her. 

William — What's your idea, Seth? 

Seth — My idea's to let her have her own way. 

William — {knocks over stack of checkers) Shucks! 
You're worse than I "thought you were. 

Seth — Wait a minute. You can't break Patty like 
you would a stubborn filly. Girls are like colts. The 
more you try to drive 'em, the harder they struggle to 
get away. 

William — You never raised a girl. 

Seth — That's why I know how to do it. It takes an 
old maid school teacher to get the best results in the 
school room. 



16 Puttin g It Up To Patty 

William — Maybe so. But I can't see how you're 
going" to make a sensible woman out of Patty by lettin* 
the girl have her own way. 

Seth — Let's figure a little on this here problem. 
What's the matter with Patty? 

William — ^You just said she was spoiled. 
Seth — ^Yep! Got too many highbrow ideas at that 
exclusive boarding school. Thinks she's above us ordi- 
nary farm folks. Too much education has turned her 
head. Do you know what she's plannin' to do? 

William — Good lord, Seth! No man ever knows 
what a girl like Patty is goin' to do. 

SetH: — Well, what do you calculate she wants to do? 
William — Get married, I hope. Every girl wants 
to get married. 

Seth — They ought to. There's nothin' in single 
blessedness. Bein' an old bachelor I ought to know. But 
Patty ain't figgerin' on marryin' a farmer. Nothin' like 
that, William. She's got her head set on a highbrow, a 
count or somethin'. I'll bet my brindle calf she's made 
up her mind to marry a title and live abroad. 

William — Shucks, Seth! You almost make me mad. 
My little girl isn't a fool. But suppose she has such a 
crazy idea. You say you'll cure her by letting her have 
her own way? 

Seth — Not exactly. Just lay a nice little trap and 
see if she's got enough sense to avoid it. 
William — Go on. I'm listenin'. 
Seth — Patty has been fed up on this smart set 
stuff. She's been readin' novels with lords for heroes. 
She's had a glimpse of high life down east. The lot of a 
farmer's wife looks slow to her. She'd rather play bridge 
than skim cream. She thinks the manicured dandy of 
the city is better than the sunburned lad of the pasture. 
All right; let her go on thinking so until she W0k:es up. 

William — Who's goin' to wake her? 

Seth — Her Uncle Seth. I've loved Patty ever since 



Putting It Up To Patty 17 



she was a kid in gingham dresses. I've got a plan. 
William — Subject to my approval, I reckon.? 
SETH^Sure. 
William — Let's have it. 

Seth — I've got a nephew who shows signs of havin* 
some sense, though he's only twenty-four. He's been 
goin' to the State University and has completed the 
course in agriculture. 

WilliaM: — Another one of those Agricultural Ex- 
periment Station farmers, eh? One of those sweet boy 
graduates who thinks he can tell an old man who has 
spent his life on the farm, how to raise corn. I'd about 
as soon Patty would marry a professional golf player. 

Seth — ^Those are harsh words, William, but I'll let 
'em pass. My idea is to have John Matthews, that's my 
nephew's name, come down here lookin' for board as an 
English nobleman. John can do it. He'll look and act 
the part. I'll coach him to cure Patty of her false ideas 
about lords and counts. 

William — (shakes his head) Don't believe it will 
work. 

Seth— Why not? 

William — She's too smart. You can't fool her. 

Seth — Foolin' girls is about the easiest thing any 
young chap does, William. 

Patty — (outside) Come right in. I'll change my 
dress and be ready in a jiffy. 

(Enter Patty, Mary Jane Stokes and Dan Dickson, 
CD.) 

Patty — Dan and Mary Jane want me to go to Wil- 
low Grove with them tonight. Daddy. So I came back to 
change my dress. 

William — How's business at the store, Dan? 

Dan — Ripping. Since we put in the new soda foun- 
tain, it's a regular riot. 

Seth — Sell lots of milk shakes, eh? 



18 Putting It Up To Patty 



Dan — Milk-shakes, nothing! It's all high-priced 
stuff now. Nut sundaes and fruit crushes and gold and 
silver fizzes. Nothing so plain as a milkshake goes now. 

Seth — Mighty healthy and satisfyin' drink, though. 
But I reckon you got to jazz up the youngsters' innards 
this day with somethin' new. 

Mary Jane^ — I'll tall the world you have. 

Patty — What's the use of selling a five-cent milk- 
shake when you can get twenty-five cents for a dab of 
ice cream with a few peanuts on it?" ^ 

Dan — You said it, Patty. We don't run the soda 
fountain for our health. 

William — Nor for the health of your patrons. 

Mary J. — (drops into chair) Did you see Madelaine 
Murray in her new picture last night, Patty? 

Patty — (taking off her hat) No. What was it? 

Mary J. — **The Vicious Vampire." 

Dan — A peach. I sat it through twice. 

(Seth winks significantly _ at William.) 

Seth — Say, Patty, I mean Patricia. I want your 
advice. 

Patty — (crosses and stands behind Seth's chair) 
You might go farther and do worse. What about? 

Seth — I got a letter from my sister in New York. 
It seems there's a young English nobleman in trouble 
down there. Got to going too fast a pace and ruined 
his health. Sister met him in a private hospital. She 
always was buttin' around takin' flowers to sick folks. 
She took a likin' to the English swell and wants me to 
let him come out here and rest up for a spell. 

Patty — How interesting ! 

Mary J. — Just like a movie scenario. 

DaNt— Bet he could put me next to a few new dopes. 

Seth — I'd like to help sister and the young English- 
man out, but we haven't much to offer over at my place. 



Putting It Up To Patty 19 



Patty — Why not let him come here? What did you 
say his name is? 

Seth — I didn't say, but it seems to me 'twas Lord 
John Matthews, or somethin' like that. 

Mary J. — What! A real English nobleman? Oh,, 
Mr. Wilson, how extraordinary! 

William — {winks at Seth) Don't know as I'd want 
him around here. 

Patty — {goes to back of William's chair) Oh, 
Daddy! Just think how nice it would be to read in The 
Clarion, "Lord John Matthews, of England, is the house 
guest of Mr. William Webster." 

William — Shucks! That wouldn't get us nothin'. 
Patty — Please, Daddy, don't say "nuthin'." You 
mean ''would not get us anything." 

William — I meant what I said. Nuthin's less than 
anything. 

Mary J. — (rises and joins Patty behind William's 
chair) Please, Mr. Webster. Let him stay awhile at 
Meadowbrook Farm. 

Dan — I can't see any harm in it. 

William — Oh, you can't? Well, I can. 

SetH: — What's wrong about it, William? 

William — Everything. He may be a low-down 
tramp, posin' as a lord. Even if he is a lord, I'll bet he's 
no good. 

Patty — Father, I'm ashamed of you — to speak so 
of an English nobleman. 

William — English fiddlesticks ! 

Seth — We can make sure of his standing. I'll have 
my sister look up his pedigree. 

Dan — You talk like he was a horse. 

William — I'd rather have another horse on Mea- 
dowbrook Farm than an English lord. 

Patty — But I would rather have the English lord. 
So you may invite him — Uncle Seth. It will afford fa- 



20 Putting It Up To Patty 

ther the opportunity to study the manner and bearing of 
a cultured gentleman. 

William — (leaps up, knocking over his chair) Well, 
of all the — the — Patty, go to your room. 

PATTY: — Now, father, don't make a scene. You know 
I hate scenes. 

William — What is this house comin' to? To think 
that a child of mine should talk that way to her father. 

Dan — Oh, they all do that now, Mr. Webster. You 
ought to hear some of 'em at the soda fountain. 

Patty — (goes to William and puts her arm about 
him) Really, Daddy, I'm sorry I was rude. But you 
older people don't understand. Youth, you know, must 
be served, and this is the period of youth. It's the young 
folks who keep the world moving. 

Seth — Just jazzin' along as it were, William. Pa- 
tricia's right. We're only has-beens. 

William — All I've got to say — if that whipper- 
snapper of an English lord moves in here, I move out. 

Patty — Sorry to see you go. Daddy. (To Seth.) 
You may write your sister that Miss Patricia Webster 
will be glad to have Lord Matthews as her house guest. 
(Picks up her hat and goes to door.) Come on, Mary 
Jane. I'll not bother to change my dress. (Exit Patty, 
followed by Dan and Mary Jane.) 

William — Now, what are you going to do? 

Seth — (tilting back his chair) Just keep right on 
putting it up to Patty. 

CURTAIN 

ACT II. 
(Scene, the same. Two weeks later. Hvlda seated 
in Aunt Mary's chair, peeling potatoes. Hiram is lying 
on the cov^h reading.) 

Hiram — Gee ! This is a great story. "Buffalo Ben, 
the hell-hound of the plains." Listen to this, Hulda. 
(Reads aloud.) "His piercing eyes scanned the west^ 



Putting It Up To Patty 21 



The setting sun cast its dying rays upon his face, light- 
ing it with a sickly yellow hue. A ghastly scar upon his 
cheek was lurid in the glow of the falling twilight. With 
a — with a — g-e-s-t-u-r-e {spells it) — what's a gesture, 
Hulda? 

HuLDA — Some kind of a, joke, Hiram. Jest means 
to joke. 

Hiram — "With a joke of disdain he turned and 
mounted his faithful steed and rode swiftly toward the 
west. {Pause.) Chapter two hundred and eleven. 
{Looks up.) Gee, but its great! {Reads.) "Two hours 
later we find our hero standing in front of the Last 
Chance Dance Hall. Darkness has fallen, and the twink- 
ling' lamps of the mining camp cast their fitful glitter 
across the gulch, welcoming the weary traveler to their 
arms of rest. ' 'Tis he,' he mutters, as a shadow creeps 
toward him, and quickly drawing forth his deadly six- 
shooter, he commands in a voice of thunder — " 

William — ( outside ) Hiram ! 

Hiram — {hiding novel in his pocket, he jumps up 
quickly) Dern it ! That's alius the way. ' Jes' as I get 
to the interestin' part, he has to call me. 

William — ( outside ) Hi-ram ! 

Hiram — I hear ye. I'm comin'. 

William — Take a pitcher of water up to the spare 
room right away. 

HuUDA — Land's sake! I had no idea they'd be back 
so soon. {Leaps up.) I'd better get back to the kitchen. 
Miss Patricia would skin me alive if she saw me peeling 
potatoes in the drawin' room. {Rushes off D. R.) 

Hiram — Right away, Mr. Webster. {Aside.) I'm 
goin' to blow this chambermaid job and be a cowboy. 
Them's the fellers that sees life. Nuthin' to do but ride 
around on horseback all day, and shoot Injuns at night. 
K I was only Buffalo Ben. 

{Enter WiUiam, C. D.) 

William— Why don't you get a move gn you? 



22 Putting It Up To Patty 

You're too triflin' to catch cold. If it wasn't for Hulda. 
I'd fire you this minute. 

Hiram — Which rug did you say you wanted me to 
beat, sir? 

William — ^Good heavens! That's all the attention 
you pay to me. I told you to take a pitcher of water up 
to the spare room. 

Hiram — Cistern or well water? 

William — ^Cistern water — for his lordship's bath. 

(Hiram stands gazing at William.) 

William — Well, what are you waiting for? 

Hiram — The pitcher. 

William — The pitcher is up in the spare room. Get 
out! (Starts for Hiram, who goes out hurriedly.) He'll 
drive me crazy. 

(Enter Aunt Mary, with hat and shawl on.) 

Aunt M. — (taking off hat.) Patty hasn't got back 
yet? 

William — Haven't seen anything of her, but she 
ought to be here soon. 

Aunt M. — (looking about) Well, the stage is all 
set for the big experiment, William. 

William — I hope it turns out all right. (Sits in 
chair at C. T.) 

Aunt M. — Seth seems quite confident. (Comes up 
behind him.) And Seth is a pretty level-headed man. 

WiLLiAM^ — (pats her hand which she has laid on his 
shoulder) You was mighty fond of Seth when you was 
a girl, Mary. Sometimes I used to dream of you as 
Seth's wife. 

Aunt M. — Nonsense! We were just good friends 
then as we are now. (Draws away her hand.) That's 
all — ^just good friends. 

(Patty appears at door. Stops to listen. Aunt M. 
and Williami sit with their backs to the door and do not 
see her.) 



Putting It Up To Patty 23 

William — Seth is a good man. He would have been 
happy with you. 

Aunt M. — Never mind me. Let us help Seth in his 
big experiment. I wonder what Patty will do when she 
learns the truth? 

(Patty leans forivard, listening intently.) 

William — You mean when she finds out that Lord 
Matthews is really just plain John Matthews of the U. 
S. A.? 

Aunt M. — That's what I mean. 

William — Well, I reckon Patty will be sore and 
pout for a spell. Then she'll see the joke and make up to 
Jim Miller real quick. When a girl finds out she's been 
fooled in one man she most generally marries another 
chap in a hurry to cover it up. 

Aunt M. — We're doing it for her good. 

(Aunt M. steps aside as Pattily hastily exits D. L.) 

William — Tim.e will tell. Seth ought to be bring- 
ing his lordship around now any minute. 

Aunt M. — Yes. I must see that Hulda has a clean 
apron on. (Exit D. R.) 

William — I hope it turns out all right. Girls are 
such contrary creatures, you never can tell. 

(Enter Patty D. L.) 

Patty — Waiting for our distinguished guest, Dad- 
dy? 

William — Yep. All dressed up and nowhere to go. 
I know rm not going to like Lord John, Patty. I feel 
it comin' on me that we ain't goin' to agree. 

Patty — You mustn't be prejudiced. Daddy. Of 
course, he will have manners not in accord with your 
own, but I want you to remember always that you, too, 
are a gentleman. 

WiLLiAM^Umph ! You really think your old dad is 
a gentleman, do you? 

Patty — Sometimes. (^Straightens magazines on the 
table.) Not always. 



24 Putting It Up To Patty 



William — I am an old fool, Patty, most of the time. 
An old fool about you. Ever since your mother died I've 
done evei-ything I could to make you happy. I've gone 
against my better judgment sometimes. (Patty goes wp 
behind him and smoothes his hair.) But you're all I had, 
child. It was mighty lonesome here — ^when you were 
away. 

Patty — Pshaw, Daddy, don't talk that way. Little 
girls must grow up and seek their own careers in life. 

William — I know some little girls that still loved 
their old daddies clear to the end of th6 trail — and then 
I've known some that were selfish and proud and looked 
upon their fathers as troublesome old men who were al- 
ways in the way. 

Patty — Perhaps that was because their old daddies 
were always criticizing and complaining. Always look- 
ing upon their daughters as little girls who had never 
grown up. I think it would be a fine thing for a grown 
daughter to look upon her Daddy as a pal. If she isn't to 
grow up, you know, he mustn't grow old either. He must 
not put the spectacles of old age on the bright eyes of 
Youth. They've got to look on life through the same 
glasses. 

William — By Jove, that's horse sense, Patty. What 
a fine thing it would be if — 

SetH: — (outside) Hullo! Anybody home? 

Patty — (kisses William on the hair.) Maybe we 
can make it a dream come true. Daddy. 

(Enter Aunt M. and Hulda, D. R.) 

Aunt M. — They've come, William. Now, Hulda, 
you take the lord's hat and luggage. 

William — (rising) All right, Patty, I'll try to be a 
gentleman, but I know I'm not going to like him. 

Patty — (stands beside Aunt M. and Hulda) A 
real, live nobleman. I never expected to meet one face 
to face. 

Seth — (entering C, followed by John) Well, here 



Putting It Up To Patty 25 

we are, folks. {Puts down heavy suit case and golf hag) 
Let me introduce Sir John Matthews of Lynnmouth Hall. 
{John hows haughtily.) 

William — {goes up to shake hands) Pleased to 
Mieet you, sir. {John holds his hand shoulder-high and 
after some confusion, William reaches up and takes it.) 

John — Aw — thanks awfully. {Looks ahout.) Jolly 
place this. {Eyeing Aunt M.) And this is your wife? 

William — My sister, Miss Mary Webster. 

John — {elevates monocle to eye and stares at Aunt 
Mary) Charmed, I am sure. ( Pause.) These your 
daughters? {Staring at Hulda and Patty.) 

William — One of them is, my lord; the other is a 
servant. 

John — To be sure. {Crosses to Hulda and taps her 
under the chin.) She's got your eyes, your nose, too, I 
think. 

WiLLiAMr— That's my servant. 

John — Oh, indeed? 

{John turns toward Patty and she tries to meet him 
half-way hy elevating her chin. His audacity fails him 
and he turns aside. Hulda attempts to suppress her gig- 
gles and rushes off D. R. Seth winks at William and 
pulls him aside.) 

William — Hold on. He's got to get this straight. 
{Goes up to John and leads him toward Patty.) This is 
my daughter, Miss Patricia Webster, Lord John Mat- 
thews. And she's a queen in her own right. 

John — {bows) My mistake. A bounder's blunder, 
I'm sure. You'll pardon me, Miss Webster? 

Patty — So you really didn't know any better? I'm 
quite disappointed, Sir John. I thought for a moment 
you were only ''spoofing." 

Seth — {punches William in the rihs. Aside.) 
Score one for Patty. 

John — Spoofing, my word! Where did you get that, 
my girl? 



26 Putting It Up To Patty 

Patty — Read it in a cablegram, I think, my lord. 

JbHN — {crosses to Seth. Aside) You've framed me. 
She's on. 

Seth— (aside) She's not. Keep your wits. I told 
you the girl was clever. 

William — You will want to brush up a bit, my lord. 
I'll call Hiram and have him show you to your roonL 
(Goes to D. R. and calls.) Hi-ram! 

PattY: — I trust that we shall make your lordship 
comfortable. 

John — I hope so, my good girl. But I shall require 
little. Mr. Wilson told you I was here for my health? 

Patty— No one would ever guess it, Sir John. You 
seem quite fit. 

John — Nothing really serious. 

Patty — I should hope not. 

John — Just frayed a little about the edges. Sort 
of nervous breakdown. 

Patty — We'll fix you up, all right. Nobody is ever 
allowed to be ill long at Meadowbrook Farm. 

Hiram — (sticking head in D. R.) Somebody callin' 
me? 

William — Yes, Hiram. Take his lordship's luggage 
up to his room and show him the way. 

(Hiram crosses and picks up hand bag, then stands 
looking at golf clubs.) 

Hiram — Oh, gee! You play golf? That's great. 
We'll have a twosome over at the Country Club. 

John — (haughtily) I beg your pardon. 

Patty — Why, Hiram, I am surprised at you. Please 
forgive him. Sir John. He does not understand. 

Hiram — (picks up golf bag and starts off) I sup- 
pose that's what you call being snubbed. (Aside.) The 
big snob. (Exit D, R.) 

John — (whispers to Seth) I'm goin' to buck. 

Seth — (aside) You stay put or I'll disown you. 



Putting It Up To Patty 27 



(John crosses to D. R., turns and hows.) 

Patty — We'll have tea as soon as you are ready, Sir 
John. 

John — (aside) I hate tea. (Bolts D. R.) 

Patty — Daddy, I've been thinking. We can't pos- 
sibly let Sir John stay in the guest room. 

William — And why not? 

Patty — Because you know it faces the West. It is 
stifling hot there in the afternoon, and the room never 
cools off until after midnight. Besides, it is on the side 
of the house' next to the poultry yard and the chickens 
raise such a racket so early in the morning. 

William — What are you going to do about it? 

Patty — Don't you think we ought to let his lordship 
have your nice, cool, quiet, east room? 

William — Not by a darn sight. 

Patty — Oh, Daddy. That's mean and selfish. (She 
goes up to him.) You don't want to be mean and selfish. 

William — Look here, Patty. It's bad enough to 
have that thingumbob loafing around here. I'm not go- 
ing to give up my room to him. 

Seth — William's right, Patty. It isn't necessary. 

Patty — You keep out of this, Mr. Seth Wilson. I'm 
the hostess in this home. Didn't you hear Sir John say 
"I hope so, my good girl," when I told him we would try 
to make him comfortable. Now, he's got to be made 
comfortable. 

William — Well, not in my bed. (Pleading.) Lis- 
ten, Patty, I've slept in that bed for forty years. It just 
suits me. 

PattY: — I am quite sure it will just suit Sir John, 
too. Daddy, you've got to move out. 

William — I won't! 

Patty — Remember, you promised to be a gentleman. 

William — But all my things are in that room. All 
my clothes and shoes, my old rockin' chair, why every- 
thing — 



28 Putting It Up To Patty 



Patty — Never mind, Daddy, I'll go right up and 
have Hiram change your things to the guest room closet. 
(Exit, D, R.) 

William — (turning savagely on Seth) Now, look 
what youVe gone and done, you meddlesome old fool. 
I've got to move into the guest chamber and roast on that 
.felt mattress. 

Seth — It's for Patty's sake, William. 

William — I've done enough for her sake. By gum, 
there's a limit to this thing. 

Seth — Calm yourself, William. , Want to play a 
game of checkers? 

William — No, I don't want to play a game of 
checkers. I want you to take your fool nephew and get 
out of here. 

Seth — He's a nice boy. 

William — Not in my bed, he ain't. He can't put me 
out of my regular bed and be a nice boy. 

Seth— Oh, shucks! 

William — I'm going to tell her the truth. I'm go- 
ing to tell her he's a fake and see how quick she orders 
him out. (Starts toward D. R.) 

Seth — (catching hold of him) Whoa, there, Wil- 
liam. Don't spill the beans, just when the pot begins to 
boil. We started out to cure Patty of a lot of foolish 
notions. Let's play the game through. 

William — I didn't agree to sleep in the spare room 
bed. (Looks at Seth earnestly.) Did you ever sleep in 
a spare room bed? 

(Enter Aunt M., D. R.) 

Aunt M. — Quarreling again, boys? I could hear 
William clear out in the kitchen. What's the matter? 

WILLIAM: — Do you know what Patty's doin' now? 
She's movin' me out of my room, bag and baggage. (A 
crash is heard outside.) 

Seth — Reckon Hiram's dropped your trunk. 



Putting It Up To Patty 29 



Aunt M.— What do you mean, William? 

William — She's givin' my nice, cool, quiet east 
room to that thingumbob of a lord and I've got to sleep 
in that hot guest chamber. 

Aunt — M. — (stifling a laugh with her handker- 
chief) Oh, William, the joke is on you. 

Seth — Better not rub it in, Mary. 

William — I'll stand it for a week and then his lord- 
ship gets his orders to vamoose* 

Aunt M. — Hulda will be here with the tea in a few 
seconds. I think you boys had better get out. 

William — Great Scott ! Can't I even stay in the old 
sittin' room? 

Aunt M. — This is Patricia's drawing room, you 
must remember, and she is going to have tea with Sir 
John. Run along. 

Seth — Yes, come on, William. We'll go down to 
the barn and look at the black colt. (Exit C. D.) 

William — You tell Patty to get rid of that thing- 
umbob in a week. {Takes up hat and storms out C. D.) 

Aunt M. — (Sits and takes up knitting.) Poor Wil- 
liam! He does hate anything that disturbs his regular 
habits of life. 

(Patty enters D. R.) 

Patty — Oh, Aunt Mary, don't you think he's won- 
derful? 

Aunt M. — Hardly that, my dear. From what lit- 
tle I have seen of him, I think he is rather spoiled and 
selfish. 

Patty — Of course, he is used to having his own 
way. Men in his position always are. You should hear 
the way he orders Hiram about. "Is this the best room 
you have?" he asked when Hiram took him into the 
guest chamber. 

Aunt M. — Your father tells me you have given Sir 
John his room. 



30 Putting It Up To Patty 



Patty — Surely. When I showed him Daddy's nice 
room, he said at once, (mimicking John) "Ah, yes, this 
is much bettah. I'll have this one." Then, turning to 
Hiram, he said, "Bring me up some hot watah and 
clear these boots and old clothes out." 

Aunt M. — ^Your father is not pleased with the 
change. 

Patty — Poor Daddy! I'm afraid he will have to get 
used to many changes while his lordship is here. 

Aunt M. — Don't crowd him too far, my child. 

Patty — Where is Hulda with the tea? 

Aunt M. — She is coming. Everything was ready 
when I left the kitchen. 

(Hulda enters, her cap over one eye, carrying a tea 
wagon in her arms, on which are tea pot, cups, plate of 
cakes, etc.) 

Hulda — Lend me a hand, some one. I'm sure I'll 
drop this tray. 

Patty — For goodness sake, Hulda, put it down and 
push it. 

Hulda — (looking at Patty over top of the tea cart) 
Push it ? Lands sake, I thought ye carried it. 

Patty — (helping her down ivith it) How can you 
be so dull? I would have been humiliated to death if 
Sir John had been here. 

HULDA' — (gives the tea cart a little push across the 
floor) Well, of all the fool contrivances. It's neither a 
tray nor a cart. They ought to send directions with it. 

Patty — I supposed of course you knew what a. tea 
cart was. You find them in the homes of all our society 
leaders. 

Hulda — I'm only a poor working woman. 

Patty — ^You look it. Straighten your cap and get 
out of here before his lordship comes in. 

Hulda — Yes, ma'am. (Backing out,) So that's a 
tea cart. Pretty soon they'll be servin' te-a from a pretty 
little red hose wagon. 



Putting It Up To Patty 31 

(John enters just as Hulda reaches the door R,, and 
she backs into him.) 

John — My word, my good woman. Can't you look 
where you're going? 

Hulda- — {courtesys) Your pardon, sir. I was just 
looking at the new tea truck. (Exit D. R.) 

Aunt M. — You found everything all right, I hope, 
Sir John. 

John — Quite all right, Miss — ah — Miss Webster. 
(Drops on couch.) That is, for such a dull place. 

Aunt M. — Yes, my lord. 

John — Fearfully dull. (Stifles a yawn.) What 
I'm to do to amuse myself for a fortnight, I'm sure I 
don't know. 

Patty — (busy about the tea cart, raises her eyes 
and looks at him steadily) I'm afraid there is not much 
to do about here, my lord. We are very plain folks in 
these parts. 

John — (languidly) Yes, I suppose so. 

Patty — Perhaps you play croquet? 

John — Croquet? Never heard of it. What is it? 
A new game with cards? 

Patty — Oh, dear no. It's a child's game you play 
with mallets and balls and wickets. 

John — With wickets and balls, you say? My word, 
it might be something like cricket. 

Patty — It might, but it isn't. Won't you have some 
tea? 

John — Thanks awfully. (Rises and takes chair 
near tea cart.) 

Aunt M. — (rising) If you will excuse me, I'll go 
and see about setting the sponge for breakfast. 

Patty — Certainly, Aunt Mary. 

(John rises, cup in hand and botvs as Aunt M. goes 
out D. R.) 

Patty — (seating herself as John resumes seat) I 



32 Putting It Up To Patty 

hope that however dull you may find us, Sir John, we are 
at least making you comfortable. 

. John — (stretching his legs) I have never been 
more comfortable in my life. 

Patty — Oh, my lord, think of Lynnmouth Hall. I 
have never seen an old country seat. I should be so 
grateful if your lordship would describe yours to me. 

John — It's rather run down now. I haven't given 
it much attention lately, you know. The dear old place 
really seems deserted. Not a human creature is any- 
where visible, and the only sound that breaks the still- 
ness, is the cawing of a few rooks in the lofty tops of the 
neighboring elms. (Aside.) That's pretty good. 

Patty — But surely your retainers, the caretakers, 
are there. 

John — Oh, yes, of course, but one does not count 
the servants as being anyone. 

Patty — You seemed to consider Hulda someone 
when you first came here. 

John — ^My mistake. A bounder's blunder. You 
have forgiven me? 

Patty — Perhaps. We shall see. But go on about 
Lynnmouth Hall. 

JOHN^ — Really I can't tell you a whole lot about the 
rummy old place, except that it is rather a fine specimen 
of Norman architecture, strongly built, dark and grim, 
gives an indication of great age. Amid its surroundings 
it looms with a peculiar frowning majesty, a certain 
bleak loneliness, both unique and impressive. (Aside.) 
Boy! Talk about castles in the air! 

Patty — How happy you must be. 

John — (shakes his head gravely) My possessions 
have never given me any happiness. I would much 
rather be in a humble rank of life. Live where I like, 
and — and marry whom I like. 

Patty — (a/rchly) Oh, my lord, surely- — 

John — (earnestly) Fact! Do you know what I'm 



Putting It Up To Patty 33 



planning? A pretty bungalow on 300 acres of good 
American farm land. Living room with a fireplace. Ex- 
hilarating spot, air like good wine, waving fields of grain 
ripening in the sun. Sunset on the porch be-fore twi- 
light. Acres I can call my own. Every man ought to 
have a place like that. And— and a girl, with hair like 
yours, waiting by the well-curb, as the evening shadows 

fall. 

Patty — ^Why, Sir John, you're a painter of word 

pictures — a poet. 

(Enter William, C. D.) 
William— Humph! Eating again? 

Patty — An English custom. Daddy. Sir John al- 
ways has tea before retiring. 

J OK^— (affecting English drawl) My word, yes. 
Cawn't sleep a wink without my tea, don't ye know? 

William— (comes down and glares at John) No, I 
didn't know. Tea and coffee are supposed to keep Amer- 
icans awake, if they drink it at night. 

John— You don't say? Are you such a sleepy lot 
as all that? My word ! Have to drink tea to keep awake. 
Ha, ha! 

William — Funny, isn't it? 

John— Well, rawther. But I suppose sleeping is 
the best thing you do in such a dull place as this. 

William — ^You think it dull here? 

John— Well, rawther. 

William— Why don't you leave? We got along very 
well before you came. 

Patty Father! You forget yourself. Sir John 

is our guest. 

William— You're right, Patty. I beg your pardon, 

sir. 

John— Not at all ,my good man. Of no consequence 
whatever. (To Patty.) Did he call you Patty? 

(WiUiam gives John a look of contempt and drops 
into chair.) 



34 Putting It Up To Patty 



Patty — A childish nickname. I was christened 
Patricia. 

John — ^Ah, that's bettah, Patricia! Fits you like a 
glove. You are a girl of such regal splendah. 

William — (Aside) Ye gods and little fishes! What 
do you think of that? (Aloud.) Say, how do you get 
that way? 

JOHN: — (eyeing him through monocle) I beg your 
pardon. 

William — (glaring at John) Ah, come off. You 
make — 

Patty — Father! (To John.) You mustn't mind 
father, Sir John. He is a product of the honest soil. His 
language is not the language of your set. 

William — I'll say it ain't. 

Patty — ^Sir John is quite charmed with your pretty 
east room, Daddy. 

John — ^All but the luggage and the boots. My word, 
but you keep your room in a frightful mess. 

William — Suited me. 

John — ^At least it is more inviting than the other 
room your man showed me. 

WiLLLVM — If you don't like it you can sleep in the 
milk house. 

(Patty smothers an outburst of laughter by a coun^ 
terfeit sneeze. Stuffing her handkerchief ^nto her mouth 
she leaps up and goes off into a fit of choking.) 

John — (excitedly) My word, your daughter's 
choking. 

William — ^Well, what of it? She often chokes. When 
she was a baby I used to hold her by the heels. 

Patty — (between gasps) Don't— ^you — ^try — it — 
now. (Rushes off D. R.) 

(William gets up and follows her to the door. Then 
comes back and stands beside John.) 

William — Young fellow, you're overdoing your 
part. 



Putting It Up To Patty 35 

John — {looking up) In what way? 

William — You're making me ridiculous in the eyes 
of my daughter. It's all right to fool her. But darned 
if I'll stand for any impudence in my own house. 

John — Uncle Seth said you wanted her cured of 
her foolish notions. 

William — That don't mean making me a fool in her 
sight. 

John — I'm sorry, sir, if I have offended you. I did- 
n't want to play this part in the beginning, but Uncle 
Seth insisted. 

(Patty sticks her head in the door and listens.) 

William — Seth's an old grandmother. 

John — He is deeply interested in your daughter and 
her happiness. 

William — She'll raise particular Cain when she 
finds out you're a fraud. 

John — I hope not, sir. I shall try to win her re- 
spect for John Matthews, while I make her detest the 
Sir John of Lynnmouth Hall. 

(Patty disappears.) 

William — I -gave in to the scheme under protest. 
But you must undesrtand I won't stand for any foolish- 
ness by John or Sir John. 

John— I think you can trust me, sir, to be a gen- 
tleman. 

William — It wasn't necessary to have me fired 
from my own room. 

John — I'm really sorry about that, but it was to 
show her how selfish Sir John is. 

William — Well, move fast, young man. I don't want 
you hanging around here too long. 

John — Uncle Seth said he thought I ought to stay 
about a month. 

William — You don't know Patty. If she don't wake 
up in two days I'll eat my old straw hat. 



36 Putting It Up To Patty 

John — It is very pleasant here. I like it. 

William — I'd like it better if you worked and slept 
in the spare bedroom. 

John — Perhaps I will, before I leave. 

(Enter Aunt M., carrying lamp, which she places on 
the table.) 

Aunt M. — Here is your lamp, Sir John, whenever 
you may wish to retire. 

John — (aside to William) Now, IVe got to be that 
fool lord again. 

William — Not before Mary. She's one of the con- 
spirators. 

John — Thank you, Miss Webster. I was just tell- 
ing Mr. Webster that I did not approve of Uncle Seth's 
idea of putting it up to Patty. 

Aunt M. — I am glad you really do not enjoy fool- 
ing Patty. She is a dear sweet girl. 

John — I quite agree with you. 

William — Oh, ho ! When did you find that out ? 

John — (embarrassed) The moment I laid eyes on 
her. 

(Voices of Mary Jane, Dan and Patty heard out- 
side.) 

Aunt M. — On guard. Sir John, we are having com- 
pany. 

Patty — (outside) Oh, really, you must come in a 
moment and meet Sir John. 

John — Hang it all! I'd like to bolt. 

(Enter Patty, Mary Jane and Dan, C. D.) 

Dan — Hello, folks. Mary Jane and I were just tak- 
ing a little joy-ride in the little old flivver and seeing 
you all lit up, we dropped in. 

Aunt M. — Always glad to see you, Daniel. Guess 
you know that. 

Patty — This is Sir John Matthews, of Lynnmouth 
Hall, England; Mr. Daniel Dickson, our leading apoth- 
ecary, Sir John. 



Putting It Up To Patty 37 

Dan — (leaps forward and offers his hand) Glad to 
know you, Mr. Matthews. 

John — (draws back; elevates monocle) My word. 
How dye do? 

Dan — (wilting) Howdy, Mr. Webster. Kind of 
chilly this evening. 

Patty^ — And this is my dearest friend. Miss Mary 
Jane Stokes; Mary Jane, may I present Sir John Mat- 
thews. 

John — (effusively offering hand) Chawmed, de- 
lighted, I am sure, Miss — er — Miss — I didn't catch the 
name. 

Patty — Stokes. 

John — Oh, yes, Stokes. Mary Jane, wasn't it? In- 
teresting name, Mary Jane. So simple, so — ah — ^pas- 
toral one might say. So — ah — feminine. 

Dan — Yes. We never call our boys Mary Jane in 
America. 

John — (looks at him through monocle) I beg your 
pardon. Did you — ah — did you say something? 

Dan — (shakes his head) Wrong number. Ring 
off, please. 

Mary J. — (withdrawing her hand, which John has 
been holding) So pleased to meet you. Sir John. I have 
heard so much about you. 

John — (surprised) Heard so much about me? 
Why, my good girl, I cawn't understand. I have only 
been in America for a short time, and most of that I 
spent in the hospital. 

Mary J. — That's it. The hospital. I heard you 
were in the hospital. 

Dan — Yes, we heard you were in the hospital. Jolly 
old place — the hospital. I was sent up once for six weeks. 

John — (staring vacantly at him) Sent up? The 
hospital? My word! 

Dan — Yes, got hit in the back with a tennis ball. 



38 Putting It Up To Pattij 

_ . > — ■■■■ ■ ■ .■—I.. — ■ ..I.- — ■■■ ■■__■■» I r^ ■ I II -.1. — ,i,«^ 

Frig-htful injury. Took an X-ray to locate the beastly 
thing, and then — then four doctors operated. 

John — (looks at him sharply) Too bad it didn't 
hit you in the head. It might have strengthened your 
mentality. 

William — (roars) Oh, I say. Pretty clever, Sir 
John. 

Dan — (to Patty) Not such a dub as he looks. 

Patty. — (aloud, looking at John) Indeed, he is 
much smarter than you would imagine. 

Dan — Hov^ can you tell? 

John — (aside, to Aunt M.) I'll kill that pill ped- 
dler. 

Aunt M. — Won't you sit down? 

Mary J. — Oh, I'd love to stay and hear Sir John tell 
us about England. 

John — I rhould be delighted. Shall we take a turn 
in the garden? (Advances to Mary Jane.) 

Dan — We can't linger, Jane. I've got to get back 
to town in time to close the store. 

John — My word! You keep a store? 

Dan — No. I omn a store. 

John — How very interesting! 

Dan — Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn't. But it's 
mine. 

Mary J. — Don't you think he's young to have a 
drug store ail his own? 

John — Depends upon how he got it. I suppose you 
sell a lot of baby foods. 

Dan — Lots. I'll bring you some the next time I 
come. 

William — (yells) Holy Smoke! That's a high one. 

(Hiram rushes on D. R., hiding novel under coat.) 

Hiram — Did you call, sir? 

Wil;.iam — No. (laughing.) No, Hiram. 



Puttiyig It Up To Patty 39 



Hiram — If you don't mind, sir, I think I'll go to bed. 
(Starts to take lamp from table.) 

Aunt M. — Why, Hiram, what are you doing with 
that lamp? Put it down. 

Hiram — I was going to read a little in bed. 
William — You read too much, now. That's his 
lordship's lamp. 

Hiram — (looks about) Well, if I can't have the 
lamp, and can't read in bed, maybe his lordship would 
like to borrow my book. 

John — (eagerly) What is it? Let me see it, (He 
takes novel from Hiram. Reads:) ''Buffalo Ben, the 
hell-hound of the plains." No, my good man, no, no! 
Bless me, no. I thank you very much but I cawn't read 
that, don't ye know? 

Dan — Get him a copy of "Little Lord Fauntleroy." 

Hiram — It's a good story. 

John — No doubt, no doubt. I thank you very much. 

(Hiram takes book, looks longingly at lamp and 
shuffles off.) 

JOHN: — (crosses to Dan) As for you, little boy, 
better run along and close your drug store. Somebody 
might get stuck on your fly paper. 

Mary J. — (to John) I think you're horrid. 

John — And I think you are very chawming. With 
one exception (looks meaningly at Patty) the most 
chawming girl I have met since I left England. 

Dan — (dratvs Mary J. away) Come on Jane. We'll 
take Sir John out snipe hunting the first moonlight 
night. 

John — Thanks awfully, old chap. But somebody 
else will hold the bag. Ta, ta ! 

(Exit Dan and Mary Jane C. D.) 

Patty — (calling after them) Come back soon, Dan, 
you're such good company. 

Aunt M. — If you'll excuse me, my lord. I think I 
will retire. 



40 Putting It Up To Patty 

John — (bows) Goodnight, Miss Webster, and plea- 
sant dreams. 

Aunt M. — Goodnight. (Exit D. R.) 

William — Got to get up early in the morning. 
Hayin' time, you know. (Starts to door L.) Better go 
to bed soon, Patty. 

Patty — In just a minute. Daddy. 

William — ^You can find your way, Sir John? 

John — ^Well, rawther. This is really a small house, 
you know, Mr. Webster. 

WILLIAM: — Small? May be so. But it's a home. 
Sir John, and that's more than you can say of some cas- 
tles. 

John — ^Well said, Mr. Webster. There's a rummy 
lot of ancestral halls in merry England. Goodnight. 
William— r(ai door) Goodnight. (Exit D, L.) 

(Patty and John go to table to get lamp. Both 
reach for it and their hands touch. John closes his hands 
over Patty's and gazes into her eyes.) 

John — I beg your pardon. 

Patty — Oh, no, Sir John, I beg yours. This is your 
lamp. I had forgotten that mine is in my room. 

John — How your eyes dance. Are you laughing at 
me? 

Patty — Indeed not. But, please, — ^you are holding 
my hand. 

John — (releases her hand and pulls himself togeth- 
er) My word! I'm rawther a bounder, don't you know? 
Always was silly when a pretty girl was around. Weak- 
ness of the family. Just cawn't help it. (Patty gives 
him a look of disdain and goes to D. R.) You're not 
angry, my good girl. I may be a bounder at times, but 
I'm a gentleman toward the ladies. 

Patty — ^You're the biggest kind of a fool, Sir John 
Matthews. (Exit hurriedly D. R.) 

John — (takes up the lamip) With the accent on the 



Putting It Up To Patty 41 



Sir. Just what did she mean by that? (Starts to cross 
toward D. R. and pauses down center.) How her eyes 
flashed and laughed. Fll bet a golf ball she's next to the 
blessed little scheme and is making a monkey out of me. 
(Goes to D. R.) But she has got wonderful eyes. (Exit) 
(As John goes out carrying lamp, stage is darkened^ 
Door left opens and WiUiams comes on with flashlight. 
He ha^ taken off his coat and vest. He gropes about, 
looking for something in table drawer and behind the 
chairs. After a few seconds he knocks over a chair.) 

Patty — (Outside) What was that? 

John — My word! There's someone in the house. 

HraAM — (outside) Stand aside! Let me get him. 

(Much confusion heard off stage. Hiram enters, 
carrafing candle and golf stick and chases William about 
in the semidarkness. Sounds of struggle.) 

William — Quit thumping me with that club. 

(Enter John in shirt sleeves, holding lamp on high. 
All lights up at his entrance. Aunt M. in wrapper, hair 
in knht, carrying candle. Patty in kimona. Hvlda in 
night gown, carrying an ax. They group themselves 
about William and Hiram who are struggling on tha 
floor. They get up. Hiram is in pajamas.) 

Patty — Daddy! What does this mean? 
WiLLiAM^ — It means '^ can't find a thing in that dam 
spare room. Where did you put my liver-pad. 

CURTAIN 

ACT III. 
(Scenet — the same. At rise of curtain William and 
Seth are discovered playing checkers in same position 
as in Act I. Aunt Mary is knitting in rocking chair, at 
right of table. For a few seconds there is complete «tZ- 
ence, the men studying the checker board intently.) 

William — (jumps two men, then leans back in his 
chair) I guess that puts a crimp in you, Seth. 



42 Putting It Up To Patty 



Seth — (scratches his head) It sure does, William. 
Don't see how I come to overlook that. (Studies board 
intently.) 

William — (tilts back his chair and whistles a few 
bars) Well, it's your move. 

Seth — I know it's' my move. (Testily.) I'll move 
when I get ready. 

William — Your time's up. 

Seth — I'll move when I get good and ready, I said. 

Aunt M. — Now, Se'th, William must be getting the 
Toest of you. 

William — He's beat, but he don't know it. 

Seth — Is that soHMoves.) 

William — ^Yes, that's so. (Jumps three men.) All 
over, Seth. 

Seth — (pushes bach his chair) Consarn it, Wil- 
liam. You talked me into that. 

William — (straightening out checkers) Play you 
another game. , 

SetH: — Not now. Enough's enough. Where's John? 
I came over to see him. 

Aunt M. — Where he always is now. Somewhere 
with Patty. 

Seth — Seem to be pretty good friends, eh? 

Aunt M. — They are more than that. 

William — Not a bad sort of a lad when he ain't 
acting the part of that thingumbob. 

Seth — John is a good boy. Been taught scientific 
farming at the university and so far as I can see, it 
hasn't hurt him a bit. 

William — Knows quite a bit about farmin'. When 
Patty was away yesterday, we took a walk out to the 
north field. He wants me to fertilize it this fall and sow 
it in wheat. Talked about crop rotation and sour soil 
like a real he-farmer. Been goin' over the wheat, sortin* 
for seed. 



Putting It Up To Patty 43 



Seth — Been here a month, hasn't he? 

Aunt M. — Just a month next Tuesday. 

William — (rises) He's got a big idea about a dai- 
ry farm around here. Figures there's more money in 
butter and milk, along with a big poultry yard than 
there is in straight farmin'. Got me guessin', that boy 
has. 

Aunt M. — Sometimes I don't quite understand 
Patty's position. 

Seth — How so, Mary? 

Aunt M. — Whether we've fooled her or not. Wheth- 
er she still thinks he's an Englishman or whether the 
boy has told her the truth. 

Seth^ — Shucks! What's the difference? He's made 
her more satisfied with life here at Meadowbrook, hasn't 
he? 

William — That's the point. Has he? Or is she fig- 
uring on being Lady Matthews some day. 

Seth — How's the lad behavin'? 

Aunt M. — He is very rude sometimes, when Patty 
is around. When he is alone with me, he is always a 
gentleman. 

Seth — Pretty good actor as well as farmer, eh, Wil- 
liam? 

William — He's all right w^hen he is plain John 
Matthews, but an impudent pig when he's Sir John. I 
think we ought to put an end to it. 

Seth — Then tell Patty the truth. 

W^ILLIAM— Who? Me? 

Aunt M. — But suppose she is really in love with 
him as Sir John? 

Seth — ^Gosh! I can't believe it. But that would 
make a mess of things. 

William — Well, it can't go on much longer. I'm 
awful tired of that spare bedroom. 

Patty — (outside) No, no. Go away, please. You 
cheated. 



44 Putting It Up To Patty 

(Patty rushes on, C. D,, her hat hanging at her 
back held by streamers.) 

Patty — (Out of breath) Oh! (looks about) I 
thought there was nobody here. 

(John runs on C. D,, after her. He is dressed in 
white flannels, without a hat, and waves a fine big red 
ear of com.) 

JoHNr — Hold on. I didn't cheat. (Sees the others.) 
My word, Miss Patricia, I found it honestly. Bless me, 
don't you know I did ? 

Patty — ^Yes, in the com crib. 4 

William — -What does this mean? 

John — ^Why — er — ^you see, Miss Patricia was teach- 
ing me a little American game. Something about find- 
ing a red ear of corn and claiming a forfeit, don't you 
know? 

Aunt M.— Why, Patty! 

Seth — Well, I'll be day goned! 

William— Humph ! 

(Patty hangs head and John looks at her fondly.) 

John — Anything wrong, Mr. Webster? It was quite 
an interesting game. And I've been hunting the scar- 
let ear of maize for a long time. I just found it and 
was going — ^was going — to ask — Pa1>— Miss — er — Patri- 
cia to show me the rest of the game. My word! I am 
quite innocent. 

William — (looks at him, sternly) Yes, you are. 
John — 'Pon my honah, sir. 

Patty — I told him about our husking bees and how 
the man who found a red ear could claim a forfeit from 
the girl. I had no idea he'd hunt an old red ^ar out of 
the corn crib. 

John — I see. What a bounder! Then red ears out 
of the corn crib don't count? 

Patty — You know they don't. 

John — I beg your pardon. I am not up on Ameri- 



Puttin g It Up To Patty 45 

can games. Rawther foolish idea, anjrway. (Throws 
ear of corn on table.) 

Patty — Oh, you think so? 

John — I certainly do. I suppose the forfeit would 
have been a box on the ear, by Jove. 

William — Give her the corn, Sir John, and insist 
on her playing the game. 

PATTY: — Don't you dare! 

(John picks up the ear of corn and hesitates.) 

Aunt M. — I think Sir John knows more than he 
pretends, about the red ear of corn. Better play quits. 

William — ^Come on, Seth, I want you to see my 
new tractor. 

Seth — Did they give you a plow with it, William? 

William — A plow and a disc harrow. I think I 
bought the implements and they threw in the tractor. 
(Goes to C. D.) Brother to the horse, the dealer said. 
First time in all my life that town feller ever gave me 
anything except a calendar. (Exit CD.) 

Seth — (at C. D.) Want to go along, Sir John? 

John — Aw — thanks — awfully. But you know I 
cawn't make head or tail of the blasted thing. Never 
did like machinery — or arithmetic. 

Seth — More interested in red ears of corn and 
pretty girls. Well, I was, too — once. (Exit.) 

(Patty smoothes out her dress, adjusts her hat, 
takes nwagazine from table and drops into chair.) 

Aunt M. — (looks over her glasses at Patty) It's a 
long run from the corn crib. 

Patty- — (turning leaves of magazine) Is it? 

(John keeps his eyes on Patty and smothers a 
laugh.) 

Aunt M. — Was Hiram around the barn? 

John — We didn't see the man. 

Patty — Hiram is painting the kitchen. 



46 Putting It Up To Patty 

Aunt M. — So he is. I'm sure he is making a terri- 
ble mess. (Lays down knitting.) I'll go and see. (She 
rises and .looks at John, then at Patty as though to 
speak, then shakes her head and goes out D. R.) 

John — (tiptoes to door after her, then turns and 
goes up behind Patty.) They almost caught on. 

Patty — Almost! They did catch on. You shouldn't 
have chased me in here. 

John — It would have been much better if you had- 
n't run away. (Leans over and kisses her on the hair.) 
There was nobody looking at the barn. 

Patty — Only the mice. 

John — And that poor old horse that is blind in one 
eye. 

Patty — How long is this farce to continue? 

John — It will end whenever you say the word, 
Patty. 

Patty — But I've only known you a month. I really 
don't know who you are. 

John — Cruel. At least you know I am not a ruined 
Englishm^an seeking an American heiress. 

Patty — I knew that from the start. 

John — Before you gave me your father's room? 

Patty — Even before you came. 

John — Then somebody gave me away. How did 
you -know? 

Patty — I heard Uncle Seth revealing^-his plan. He 
called it 'Tutting It Up to Patty." 

John — Vv^eil, now that they have put it up to you, 
what are you going to do about it? 

Patty — I don't know. How should I? 

John — Then I'll tell you, dear. You are going to 
marry me, a plain American farmer, and we arq going 
to build up the biggest dairy farm in this county. We 
are going to have a home of our own with broad mea- 
dows and a herd of sleek cattle. We are going to be in- 



Putting It Up To Patty 47 



dependent, work hard and look everybody straight in 
the eye. We ^re going to be pals in sickness or health, 
for better or worse, for richer or for poorer. We are 
going to raise morning glories and calves, string beans 
and sunflowers and let the rest of the world go by. 

Patty — (looks up at him) Oh, Sir John. 

John — Sir John, nothing! John Matthews, presi- 
dent of the Matthews Creamery Company, highly re- 
spected and well-to-do citizen of the U. S. A. That's 
good enough for me. 

Patty — And it's good enough for me, too, John. 

(John leans over and lays his head against hers. 
Hulda enters D. L. and stands watching them a mom- 
ent.) 

HuLDA — Hey! What you whisperin' about? 

John- — (jerking his head away quickly) My word, 
my good woman, how you startled me! 

Hulda — Yes, I reckon I did. What was you whis- 
perin' about? 

Patty — He wasn't whispering anything, Hulda. He 
was — he was — 

John — I was making a diagnosis, my good woman. 
Miss Webster has a slight ailment of the — er — the thy- 
roid gland and I was — er — I was counting her respira- 
tions. 

Hulda — You was^ — what? It didn't look like — what 
you said — to me. 

John — My word! You're not supposed to know, my 
good woman. 

Hulda — Ain't I, though? You can call it perspira- 
tion or anything you want to. But it looked like plain 
spoonin' to me. Where's your aunt. Miss Patty? 

Patty — Gone to the kitchen to see if Hiram is 
painting. 

Hulda — He's painting. Or at least he's daubin' up 
everything with the stickiest paint I ever saw. (Starts 



48 Putting It Up To Patty 



to door.) I beg your pardon, Doctor Sir John. I hope 
your patient gets better soon. {Exit D. R.) 

John — Everybody seems to be catching on. Let's 
run away and be married. 

Patty — Father would never forgive me. 

John — I've got it. Those two rare old gentlemen, 
your father and Uncle Seth, for he is my uncle, you 
know, aided and abetted by your Aunt Mary, framed 
this thing up on you. Why not turn the tables and make 
them think we've eloped? Good joke on them, making 
them explain to you that you've married a plain Amer- 
ican farmer instead of the English nobleman they 
passed off on you. 

Patty — It would be fun. Only — 

John — Only what? 

Patty — Only it's got to be a pretend elopement. I 
really must be married at home, John. 

John — Surest thing in the world. Pink candles, 
wedding march, bride's cake and everything. I'll have 
the flivver ready at the gate in five minutes. (Leans 
over to kiss her and she pushes him away.) 

PattY: — Stop whispering and run along. 

John — I guess they'll worry a little about how they 
are going to explain, eh, Patty? {Runs off C. D.) 

Patty — {folding her hands in her Iwp and dream- 
ing) I must have been pretty badly spoiled when dear 
Uncle Seth and Daddy thought it necessary to import a 
bogus lord to cure me. Dear old Daddy. I must have 
hurt him terribly. But I can't resist this wonderful 
opportunity to turn the tables on him. John was so 
smart to think of it. 

{Enter William,, C. D.) 

William — Where's that thingumbob going now? 
He ran out of here like the house was afire. 

Patty — He's gone to get the car, Daddy. We're 
going to town to dine with Dan and Mary Jane. 



Putting It Up To Patty 49 



William — Where you goin' to eat? At the Mansion 
House? 

Patty — No, I think we'll go to the Quick Service. 

, William — Do you call that dining? 

Patty — I don't want Sir John to take me to an ex- 
pensive place. 

William — (sits in chair opposite Patty) Look here, 
daughter. I've been wanting to say something about 
this here Sir John for some time. He is not — 

Patty — Let's not talk about Sir John, Daddy. He'll 
be going away in a few days. 

William — The sooner he goes, the sooner I'll get 
my old bed back. But I want to tell you — 

Patty — And I want to tell you something, Daddy. 
William — Will you listen to me, child? 

Patty — (gets up and goes and sits on arm of his 
chair) No, I won't listen to you, just now. Daddy. Sir 
John is waiting for me. But before I go I want to tell 
you that you are the dearest Daddy in all the world, and 
that I am sorry I ever caused you a worry or an unhappy 
moment. Always remember me as your little Patty and 
try to forget the spoiled girl I was when I came home 
from boarding school. (Rises and goes behind chair.) 
Promise me, Daddy, you will always love me. 

William — Why, my child, what do you mean? 
(catching at her hands which are on his shoulders.) 

Patty — Nothing. (Kisses his hair, withdraius fier 
hands and runs to door.) Only, Daddy, if anything 
should happen, always remember — 

William — (Leaps up) What do you mean — if any- 
thing should happen? 

Patty — You never can tell. Remember, we are to 
dine at the Quick Meal Resta,urant. {Exit C. D.) 

William — (rises) I suppose that is what she calls 
"spoofing." But a change has certainly come over the 
girl in the last month. Seth's little scheme hasn't worked 



50 Putting It Up To Patty ^ 

out at all as he thought it would. Instead of being dis- 
gusted at Sir John, she seems to grow fond of him. I 
hope she won't break her heart when she finds out he 
isn't a lord at all. (Pause.) I wish she hadn't said: **If 
anything happens." Great Scott I It can't be she means 
to run away and marry that thingumbob in the belief 
that he is a nobleman and has a vast estate in. England. 

(Enter Seth and Aunt M., C. D.) 

Aunt M. — All alone, William? I'm glad. Seth has 
some'thing to say to you. 

William — ^Yes, Mary, I'm all alone and a little un- 
comfortable about Patty. 

SetH: — Still worryin' about her and Sir John? 

William — You don't suppose she would run away 
with him, do you? 

Seth — That's an insult to John. He wouldn't let 
her. 

Aunt M. — What put that into your head, William? 

William — Well, she's gone to town with him and 
before she left she said: **If anything should happen, 
Daddy, I want you to always love me." 

Aunt M. — (shaking her head) That sounds sus- 
picious. Oh, I hope the child won't do anything foolish. 

William — If . your nephew makes a fool of my 
daughter, Seth Wilson, I'll make him pay. 

Seth — Have no fear, William. John is my sister's 
boy and Patty's as safe with him as she would be with 
you. But I've something else to say to you. 

William — (dropping into chair) I reckon I know 
what it is. 

Aunt M. — (sits) Oh, William! 

William — They say it never rains but it pours, 
just as I'm scared about Patty goin' away with young 
John, I reckon you've finally made up your mind to take 
Mary away. 

Aunt M.— Oh, William! 



Putting It Up To Patty 51 

SetH; — (standing back of table) You're a pretty 
good guesser, William. That's just what I'm plannin* 
to do. 

William — (sarcastically) Took you a long, long 
time to make up your mind. Are you sure you want her 
now? 

Seth — I'll forgive you that, because you do not un- 
derstand. 

William — No, Seth, I can't understand why a man 
would keep a good woman waiting thirty years. 

Seth — Mary understands and now I'll tell you. But 
we will never speak of it again. For thirty long years 
I have lived under a cloud. Yesterday the sun came 
forth and I can claim your sister without a stain upon 
my name. 

William — What do you mean? 

Seth — When I came here I was a fugitive — an es- 
caped prisoner, with a price upon my head. 

William — A convict? 

Seth — Yes, but falsely accused. I was innocent, 
William. When but a mere boy I worked in a railroad 
station in a little town in Vermont. The station agent 
stole a sum of money from the company and fastened the 
crime on me. No matter how, the chain of circumstan- 
tial evidence was complete, and I was sent to prison for 
five years. They made me a trusty and I escaped. Soon 
after, I came out here and what my life has been since I 
came, you know. 

William — I know how you worked and saved until 
you were able to make a payment on your little farm, 
and I know how you have paid off the mortgage. 

Seth — Yes, but you do not know what I've been 
through. For years I feared to meet a stranger. I 
dreaded to take the mail from the box. My sister, John's 
mother, and Mary were the only ones in whom I con- 
fided. 

William — But you say the cloud has passed? 



52 Putting It Up To Patty 



SetH: — ^Two months ago the station agent died and 
left a confession. My sister took the confession to the 
governor and yesterday I received a pardon. I couldn't 
ask Mary to be my wife while that thing hung over me. 

William — (rises and takes his hand) Forgive me, 
Seth. I did not know. 

Aunt M. — But I knew, William, and I've been wait- 
ing for him. 

William — ^God bless you both, and make you happy. 

Seth — We'd like to be married soon. I've been 
lonely such a long, long while. 

William — It's goin' to be hard on me, Seth. I've 
depended so on Mary ever since Patty's mother died. 

Aunt M. — I am not going very far away, William. 

William — It's all right. But you've got to be good 
to her, Seth. 

Seth — You know I'll be that, don't you William? 
(Terrific crash heard outside.) 
Aunt M. — Good Heavens! What was that? 
William — Hiram. 

Seth — Sounded like the house fell in. 
HuLDA — (outside) Are you hurt? Speak to me. 
Aunt M. — (leaping up) Oh, I know he's killed 
himself. 

William — Keep cool, Mary. Hiram never gets hurt. 

(Entef Hulda, leading Hiram, D. R. Hiram is 
smeared with green paint from head to foot.) 
Hulda — Oh, look at him; look at him! 

William — What happened now? 

Hiram — (wiping his face on his sleeve) The lad- 
der slipped and — 

Hulda — He dove right into the paint bucket. 

Hiram — I didn't either. The bucket flew up and 
hit me. 

Aunt M. — (drops into chair) He's ruined the 
kitchen. 



Putting It Up To Patty 53 

HuLDA — He's ruined his shirt. 

Hiram — Reckon the pants is spoiled, too. 

William — This is the end. Get out of here. 

HuLDA — Oh, sir, you don't mean — 

WiLLiAM^ — Hiram's fired! I've put up with him as 
long fl/S I can. We've had nothing but trouble since he 
came. You can stay, but Hiram's got to go. 

HuLDA — I can't do that, sir. Nobody can take care 
of Hiram but me. 

William — Nobody else would be fool enough to try. 

Aunt M. — Don't be hard on them, William. He did- 
n't do it on purpose. 

William — Huh! I'm not so sure of that. He did- 
n't want to paint the kitchen. 

Aunt M. — And I didn't want him to paint the 
kitchen. 

Seth — Looks like it might be your fault after all, 
William. 

William — Well, take him out of here. He's drip- 
ping paint all over the floor. 

(Dan and Mary Jane rush in C. D.) ' 

Mary J. — Congratulations. 

Dan — Yes, congratulations, everybody. 

HuLDA — It's nothing to congratulate him on. 

Dan — (sees Hiram; laughs heartily) What have 
you been painting, Hiram? 

Hiram — I started to paint the kitchen. 

DaN: — And ran out of paint, of course. Looks like 
you put most of it on yourself. 

William — Take him out, I tell you, Hulda. 

Dan — Yes, send him to the dry cleaner's. 

Hulda — Nobody ever feels sorry for Hiram but 
me. (Exit, leading Hiram out.) 

Mary J. — Congratulations. 

Dan — Yes, congratulations. 



54 Putting It Up To Patty 



Aunt M. — Why, bless my heart, children. We have- 
n't told a soul. 

Mary J. — Oh, you know, then ? 

Seth — ^Well, I reckon we know. But we didn't 
want anybody else to know until after the wedding.* 

Mary J. — After the wedding? Why, the wedding's 
over. 

Seth — 'Tain't no such thing. We haven't even seen 
the minister yet. 

Dan — What are you talking about? 

Seth — Our wedding — Mary's and mine. 

Mary J.— Oh! 

Dan— Oh! 

William — (goes up to Dan) What were you talk- 
ing about? 

Mary J. — Another wedding. 

Aunt M. and Seth — (together) Whose? 

Dan AND Mary J. — (together) Patty's and Sir 
John's. 

William — (drops into chair) Oh! 

Aunt M.-^ (drops into chair) Oh! ■ 

Seth — Well, I'll be day goned! 

William — (pathetically) You — you don't mean 
my little girl is married? > 

Mary J. — We met them just as we were coming out 
of town and they told us they were going to be married. 

Dan — I suppose she'll be leaving America and liv- 
ing at Sir John's ancestral home in England. 

William — Ancestral woodshed! He hasn't got any 
home in England. (Leaps up.) This has got to be 
stopped. (Calls.) Hiram! 

HuLDA — (entering D. R.) Hiram can't come, sir. 
He — he — ain't got anything on but paint. 

William — I want a horse hitched up at once. (To 
Dan.) Here, you take me to town in your car. (Drags 
Dan to^vard door.) 



Putting It Up To Patty _55 

Dan — Hold on. I can't take you. Got a puncture 
as we came up the lane. Tire's flat. 

Seth — Wait a minute, \yilliam. Let's think this 
thing out. , 

HuLDA — Whaf^s the m.atter? 

William — Patty has run away with that thingum- 
bob' 

HULDA — Not Sir John? Well, I'm not surprised. 

Aunt M. — What do you know about it? 

HuLDA- — I saw 'em spoonin, right in this room. He 
said something about perspiration, but he couldn't fool 
me. I know spoonin' when I see it. 

William — The impudent upstart! I'll horsewhip 
him. 

Mary J. — Why, Mr. Webster. We thought you'd be 
glad. 

William — Glad my little girl has been bunkoed — 
made a fool of. {Goes up to Seth.) It's all your fault, 
you meddlesome old — 

Aunt M. — Don't you lay your hands on Seth. 

Hiram — (outside) Hulda! Hulda! 

HuLDA — What do you want? 

Hiram — I want to get out of here. 

Hulda — You can't. We've got company. Guess I'd 
better get him something to put on. (Exit D. R.) 

Dan — I don't get this. I thought marrying Sir 
John would be a great match for Patty. 

William — I'm the best judge of that. 

Seth — I've got an opinion of my own. 

Aunt M. — Everything will come out all right, Wil- 
liam. 

William — I can't see it. Patty run away with that 
chap; you going to leave me and marry Seth; and I've 
fired Hiram and Hulda goes, too. {Paces floor.) I'm 
in a dickens of a mess. 

Seth — Put a want ad in the paper. 



56 Puttin g It Up To Patty 

William — A fine job you did, 'Tutting it up to 
Patty/' 

Dan — She's Lady Patricia by this time. 

William — Lady Fiddle-dee-dee! He's a bogus lord. 
He's no more Sir John Matthews than you are. 

Dan — (To Mary Jane) There, what did I tell you? 

Mary J. — Well, you'll remember I had my doubts, 
too. 

Dan — Who played this low-down trick on Patty? 

William — Seth did. 

Aunt M. — ^You agreed to it. 

Mary J. — She'll never forgive you. Never. 

SetH: — ^Maybe so. But I kind of think she will. As 
she jumped in the car she handed me this note. (Holds 
up note.) **When you've all worried enough, give this 
to Daddy," she said. (Hands note to William.) 

William — (reads) ''Whatever happens, Daddy, 
don't you believe it. Back soon." God bless her. (Wipes 
his eyes.) 

(Enter Hulda and Hiram. Hiram has on a white, 
stiff-bosom shirt and dress trousers. Wears black bow 
tie and high silk hat.) 

Hulda — Do you think it will be all right for Hiram 
to wear these clothes? ^ 

Aunt M. — ^Where did you get them? 

Hulda — Borrowed them from Sir John. 

Seth — ^Yes, Hulda, it will be all right. John isn't 
going to need them any more. 

Hiram — I'll bet he's goin' to take my place. He kin 
hev it. 

(Enter Patty and John, CD.) 

Patty — (running up to William and throwing her 
arms around his neck.) Daddy, poor old Daddy. 

William — (patting her head) My little girl! 

John — (to Seth) Everything quiet on the Potomac? 

Seth — ^'Tis now. But it's been pretty rough. 



Putting It Up To Patty 57 

HuLDA — (pulling at John's coat) Can he have 'em? 

John — (turns around and sees Hirami) I'll say he 
can. I'm crazy to get back into my overalls. 

Aunt M. — You — you're not married, Patty? 

Patty — (drauring away from WUliam) Who says 
I am? 

Mary J. — You told us — • 

Patty — That we were going to be married. But I 
didn't say when. 

Dan — Well, of all the false reports! 

John — We would like to start a dairy farm here, 
sir. And — and — ^we'd like to have you live with us. 

William — We'll consider the proposition. 

HuLDA — And you'll keep me and Hiram? 

Hiram — I'll do anything but paint. 

Patty — ^And, Daddy, we want to have a real wed- 
ding. Pink candles, wedding march, bride's cake and 
everything. 

(Patty puts one arm around William's neck and 
reaches out the other hand to John. Seth and Mary 
clasp hands, Hulda draws Hirami to her. Dan, at ex- 
treme left, throws kiss to Mary Jane, who has taken po- 
sition at extreme right.) 

CURTAIN 



M O N O L O G S 

By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 

HTHIS series of character monologs has provided 
*^ something funny, yet clean and wholesome, for 
the boy or man who wants a specialty along the 
lines of the professional monolog. They are espec- 
ially adapted for the olio of a minstrel show or as 
an individual number on a vaudeville program. 



Have You Ever Noticed That? A tramp 
monologf. 

Izzy's Troubles. For a HebreSv character. 

Waiting for tKe Alabama Lou. A darkey 
talking act the. speaker being a stranded 
minstrel. 

B(^ Keerful Si. A Rube monolog. 

As Oi Wuz Sayin'. For an Irish character. 

UnJer the Pretzel Brough. Dutch monolog. 

PRICE 1 5 CENTS EACH. 

TWO PATRIOTIC MONOLOGS 



The Stars and Stripes in Flanders. 

A dramatic reading with a climax that 
will cause a thrill. Price, 25 cents. 

When Monty Came Home from the 
Marne. 

Suitable for any reader and a number that 
will be welcome on any program. Price 
25 cents. 



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FRANKLIN, OHIO, also 944 S.Logan, DENVER, COLO. 



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THE BIG SUCCESS OF LAST SEASON 



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"Somewhere in France" 

By SEYMOUR S, TJBBALS 

/n STIRRING patriotic drama of the World 
" War in 3 acts. 4 male, 3 female char- 
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This play has been rewritten and elaborated 
to play a full evening. Last season it achieved 
an instantanteous hit with amateur players, 
being produced with great success. 

The action takes place in the home of Pierre 
Graudet, a few miles from the trenches and 
graphically shows why America went into the 
war. Two sons have been killed in battle and 
Jean, the youngest son, is blinded by a shell. 
Mary Dale, an American Red Cross nurse, is 
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The capture of a German aviator, who is com- 
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thrilling and dramatic climax at the end of 
the second act. The dialog is intensely patriotic 
and one critic has termed the play "a classic. '' 
A splendid play for a Red Cross benefit, or to 
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<^@|: rPW'CE 25 CEMTS |} ®S> 

THE EtDRiDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also ■°"t^X^ DENVER, COLO. 



RELEASED FOR AMATEUR PRODUCTION. 

'Hie Little Politician'' 

By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 



A COMEDY IN FOUR AOTS 

SEVEN MALES AND THREE FEMALES 



'^H^HIS play was produced professionally 

^^ for several seasons under another title, 

and is now released for amateur production 
without royalty and without restrictions 
of any kind. The scenery and costumes 
are simple. Time, about two hours. A 
young society girl plays an important part 
in overthrowing a corrupt political boss 
and brings about the election of her 
fiance. The race for the hand of a 
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the comedy. A pretty story is unfolded, 
but without actual love-making or any 
scenes objectionable to the amateur. 
Recommended for high schools and dra- 
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I^^The garden party in the second act affords 
opportunity for the introduction cf any number of 
characters. 

PRICK, 25 CEr^TS 

Sent Postpaiii on Receipt of Price by the 



Franklin, Ohio 






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Clever Mew Monologs 



Monologs of Merit 

This v/e believe a sple:idid collection for elocution- 
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•^ketches of B-::ir-che Goodman which do not appear m 
the "Vincy S':ctcheG." Some nove'ty readings by 
Lydia McGaurrhcy are "The White-wash Angel A 

Pair of Boots," "Robert Joins the A. H. T A ' Rob- 
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Help-U Dialosr and Recitation Book 

By various authors and a real help to the teacher. 
Here are some of the dialogs: "A Strike Mother Goose 
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Merry Rhymes of Little Folks* Times 

By Margaret A. Fassitt. In this collection of choice 
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the way, they will make good reading for mothers 
and fathers at any time. "The Red Head," ' Reflec- . 
tions of a Pup," "I Wish I Had a Ginger Cake.^^ 
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Comforting Her Patient 

By Mrs. W. M. Carruth. Tells how an "impractical'* 
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Gossip in Slowville 

By E. Haskell. Depicts the sayings of the village gos- 
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The Spinsterhood of Mary 

A humorous number by Rhoda Barclay. Tells of 

Mary's resolve to live and die an old maid and her 
sudden change of mind. Price, I5c. ^ 

Mrs. Swattem Attends the Convention 

This monolog by Rhoda Barclay is an account of the 
many complaints of Mrs. Swattem while at the con- 
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not truthfully. Price, 15c. 



I 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



FRANKLIN, OHIO 



^F^ 



LIBRARY OF CONGR 




017 401 366 



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Money-Making Entertainment Novelties 
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Miss Nibbs' Novelty Shop 

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The Bright ville Indoor Chautauqua 

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Gives wide scope for introduction of large cast and 
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As Ye Sew 

A "talking doll'* missionary play by Dorothy Crich- 
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Finding the Key 

A dialog and drill for 10 or 12 girls, and boys. Suit- 
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Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



